I heard that writing a journal can help moving forward in life and is a great tool to stay true to myself, so I’m opening mine. I feel that I need to do it for the following reasons :
- Sharing some parts of my life that I no longer desire to keep for myself and being able to have a space of freedom where I can write anything I want
- Structuring my thoughts (damn I need that so much) and having reminders
- Being able to make regular assessments
- Finding my own path
So here is a bit of context:
I grew up in France middle class and I’m 25 right now. I was labeled early as a “smart kid” because I was doing great at school till the end of high school. I was good at writing, maths and liked school because I liked reading, books, learning, and connecting the dots between concepts and ideas.
At the same time, my social and family life was kind of a mess. I was regularly beaten by my father as a child (my relationship with him is still complicated) and grew up overweight. I was bullied at middle school because of my weight. Once, I decided to start to improve this aspect of my life with sports. Yet I also started developing eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia and used to develop dark habits like making me throwing up every time after eating. I managed to stop that by the end of high school but this past keeps haunting me sometimes and sometimes I’d rather it never happened.
Still, I developed other bad habits (snacking, porn, drugs, cigarettes, watching youtube videos compulsively and without purpose), and even if I stopped some of them cold turkey (like drugs and cigarettes, I would recommend stopping your habits progressively btw), I still struggle with others (youtube, snacking).
What I want to do with my life has always been unclear. As I was not too bad at school, I continued till I got a Master’s degree in Business. Basically, I listened to my parents’ advice “you are going to have more opportunities by taking these studies”. So I ended up working in a short-term contract job that is a mix between Customer Service and Data Analysis and I’m starting from there.
I was in Asia before the beginning of the outbreak in March 2020, working and studying. Life was pretty good and I even managed to stop smoking definitively. Then pandemic happened, I broke up, lost my job, ran out of money, got depressed, gained 20 kg, and got back to France in my parent’s house. Suddenly, life became like an endless falling loop and I felt overwhelmed. Tried to ask for help back in France but the Psychologists I contacted were too busy or said they were not able to help me dealing with my issues then I just did not have enough energy to contact dozens of them. Finally, I found this job and here I am joining Corda’s cult.
Over the past year, I’ve been stuck in a thinking loop that prevented me from acting which is: “One day you are going to have a thought which is going to tell you exactly what you want to do with your life and you will feel it is your destiny with 100% accuracy”. So I guess I was wrong and need to work by reading and experiencing stuff.
I’m sure there is a place for me in this world so I’m going to find it and take it.
I feel that Data Analysis, Management & Visualisation can lead me somewhere even if I guess there are other interesting subjects out there but I just cannot focus on ten subjects at the same time so my primary goals for this weekend are just below. I’m not Jean Marie so I must find my own path by myself otherwise I guess I would be useless in a role that does not fit me:
- Finishing a one hour and a half class on Database creation.
- Sketching a learning path towards mastering Data Analysis (mind map)
- Apply to 2 jobs in this field (1 in France, 1 in Central & Eastern Europe)
- Running once
- Doing one muscle-weighting session (~20min)
- Keep doing my morning rituals
- At least 5 min meditation per day (ideally before sleep)
I’m sure I could have written higher goals or a more precise plan but those are foundations I’m setting up and hope it will help me to move towards the path I want.
“There is no point in running, you have to leave on time”.